“Quick and Easy Recipe for Self-Loathing”

I’ve done my time in Hell’s Kitchen, brewing up bountiful batches of self-loathing.

First ingredient: I like to start this dish with last night’s Pity Party leftovers, covering the bottom of a 9″x 11″ casserole dish with about 1″ of the noxious concoction. Meanwhile, in a 2 quart saucepan, with the burner on high, I add one cup grease for the squeaky wheels, and drop in a 1/2 pound of Catholic guilt, deep frying the guilt until crispy. When the fork will no longer penetrate the outer shell of the guilt ball, set it aside to cool. Next, I pour 3 – 16 oz cans of Shame Chowder into a large (8 quart) pressure cooker, boiling until thickened. The chowder is ready when the spoon will stand erect in the pot. This process stresses the shame until it congeals as anxiety paste. The paste is now spread on top of the pitiful leftovers in the casserole dish. Then I hammer the guilt ball thoroughly on a stone cold counter top, until its hopes are crushed into 1/4″ granules. The guilt is spread evenly over the casserole and 2 tablespoons of remorse are evenly distributed on top. Finish with a few pinches of despair, bake in an oven preheated to 1,600 F (incineration). Serve with a hearty whine.

Feel free to share this recipe with all your well adjusted friends to bring them down a couple of notches on the joy pole. I know! I will never be invited into your kitchen again. 

“Anonymous Self-Portrait”