“The Basics of I Am”

The tale of Nick “The Twist” Mason will continue to unfold in future journal posts here on the Grand Providentia United blog page. In this moment, I am being guided to express some thoughts about Being human, Being conscious, and simply Being. 

For most of my life I’ve lived under the assumption that the world was in control of the circumstances and situations of my existence. That my life was not really my life at all. I was here by some random act of creation, executed by a God with a cruel sense of humor and a morbid fascination with pain and struggle. And so, I was tossed and turned by the oceanic tides of circumstance, in a world where everything needed to change in order to suit my preferences. My incessant and spiraling thoughts were always trying to find an angle, so I could come at the world in a way that would feel comfortable for me (no pain or suffering). When I finally recognized that my thoughts about the situations and circumstances of my life were the actual cause of that pain and suffering, I came to the understanding that I would have to change my thoughts, if I wanted to change my life. But first I needed to get control of my thinking, and in all honesty I could see that my thinking was controlling me. I had overcome the obsessive/compulsive behaviors of alcoholism in my early twenties by journeying inward to the core of my Being, and I decided to try that approach again in my mid-forties. I was reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle at that time, and this time I was making some sense of what the author was advising his readers to practice. Having already read the book once in my early forties, I wasn’t expecting any life altering results, but apparently I wasn’t ready for the content the first time. I turned my focus inward and started observing the thoughts spiraling through my head. Witnessing the absurd nature of the thought patterns (the audio tapes) running constantly in my head, I gained an instantaneous awareness of the predicament my ego had put me in. You see, I was thinking that I couldn’t bear to live in a world where I wasn’t in control of everything at all times. Or, at least that was what my ego was telling me. My ego was telling me that the world needed to change in order for me to live a “happy” life. I told my ego to “Shut the hell up!”, because it wasn’t making any sense, as far as I could tell. When I forced my mind to shut up for a split second, I was rewarded with an instant of silence and peacefulness in my head. I relaxed and surrendered for a few blessed moments in that silence and then, momentarily the thoughts started up again. Over the next 48 hours or so, I practiced the “opening up” of the silence in my head. I managed to expand the quiet for hours at a time, until finally my ego (mind) backed off and I learned to find peace in the moment. Within two days I had stopped the spiral thinking.

I’ll continue this exploration tomorrow. There is a way to be consciously aware and present in every moment of life. I’ve been practicing some simple life habits that have brought me to a place of joyful existence without resistance.