Disclaimer: The following journal entry is an attempt to describe in detail, a powerful spiritual vision I experienced as a young man. It may be upsetting for some of you to read this graphic description. For others, it may restore your faith in the God of your own understanding. For me, it was life changing, the start of a transition between self-destructiveness and soulful redemption. This vision remains vivid, and fully saturates my mind and heart, even though thirty-five years have passed since the experience.
I had been living in Connecticut for over two years now, partying hard and reaping the consequences of my compulsive behaviors. As I explained in last night’s blog post, the cracks in my so-called life were surfacing faster than I could repair them. This lead me to the conviction that I would need to slow down on the drinking, or be dead or in jail, soon. So, this was a time where self-preservation, fueled by desperation, enabled me to string together multiple days of abstinence from the alcohol.
On the June morning of this vision quest, I came home from the shipyard after the usual third shift workday (worknight?). The only unusual thing about this morning was that I felt good for a change. It had been at least three days since my last drink, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and my spirits were high. I remember thinking how clear and crisp life can be when I’m not muddying it up with dysfunction. Normally, I would drink four or five beers, watch some television, and go to bed around noon, so I’d be ready for work at 11:00 PM. On this morning, I was dead set on breaking some of my worst habits, so I went to my room around 9:00 AM to make an attempt at sleeping. Partying had become a way of life for me, and money for the trappings of that lifestyle took priority over luxuries like room darkening shades or curtains. I had a blanket nailed over the window in my room, to act as a shield against the insistent beams of sunlight which foiled my efforts to find sleep.
I lay in bed and closed my eyes. I was flying through clouds. Startled by the clarity of the experience, I opened my eyes. Still laying in the sunlit room. I closed my eyes again. Flying through clouds still. Shocked, I opened them again. Nothing had changed. I was still laying there, wide awake, and now more alert than I had been in years. I closed my eyes and held them closed, long enough to experience progressive movement down through cloud cover and emergence into gray skies below. I couldn’t bear it. I opened my eyes again. I continued to jump back and forth between the two realities, simply by opening and closing my eyes, progressing each time, coming closer to the ground. I’m only guessing at this, but I would say that I opened my eyes at least twenty times before I could sustain courage long enough to bring my spirit down out of the clouds to the surface of an Earth unrecognizable. The surface of the Earth was a wasteland of mud, debris, and corpses. Still, I couldn’t bear to keep my eyes closed. The experience was incomprehensible to me in ways that I cannot explain with words. It felt as though I was dying and my fate was sealed, to roam this wasteland eternally as a lost soul. When I had these thoughts, my eyes seemed to open involuntarily. Then I would close them again, with a deep desire to see more. To be shown what I needed to see. I kept thinking – if this is my next reality, my fate, then obviously I deserved it, for wasting the miraculous life that I’d been taking for granted for all these years. Again, the horrid reality of facing a lifeless and decaying world overcame my morbid curiosity, and the fear of being lost there indefinitely, forced my eyelids open.
Here I was, still laying in the sunlit room, now without any hope of sleep, or even a desire to sleep. I gathered my courage and closed my eyes once more. I was shocked yet again, when I was back up in the clouds and everything about this vision had changed. Now, I was coming down out of white clouds and blue skies. I glided gently into a magnificent, wondrous garden of the most beautiful vegetation and crystal clear waters. Large gatherings of human beings of all ages, were expressing joy in ways unimaginable to us on this physical plane. Everyone was naked, but there was no shame, no guilt, no darkness. Only Love. The garden was overflowing with life. Animals of all creation were living in harmony. The savage lion, no longer savage. The lamb laying near the lion, in absolute trust. This was, and is, the most beautiful vision I have ever witnessed. There is no concept of time in that garden, so I have no way of knowing how long I existed there. I remember intense longing to stay fixed, eyes closed, until I became one with the Beings there. Then my spirit urged me to return to my previous life. If this miraculous place exists or will exist, then I can return when the Earth journey is over. I opened my eyes.
I was laying in my ordinary bed, in my commonplace room. I closed my eyes again and again, hoping for just one more glimpse of paradise, all to no avail. I only experienced the garden realm for however long it was that I was able to keep my eyes closed – once. I am so truly grateful to the Source of All Creation for granting me that privilege. I remember being self-conscious about the whole experience. I thought – No one will believe me. Or worse – They’ll question my sanity and I could end up imprisoned in a mental health facility. And so, life continued on. I struggled and failed, tried and prevailed; always keeping this Vision close to my heart for the promise it revealed to my soul.
Writing this out, was much like channeling the energy all over again. I promise to lighten the page with good thoughts on the morrow.
"Grand Providentia United" 