“Crystal the Chick Magnet”

3 Years

Let me tell you some interesting facts about dysfunction. One of the most astounding things I’ve learned about dysfunction is, when you’re living in it, it’s hard to recognize it for what it is. Dysfunction is illusive. It wears a multitude of disguises to keep us silly humans in denial. Part of the illusion is rooted in the lifestyle itself. When your life becomes more and more dysfunctional, the people you surround yourself with (who you attract), are usually just as dysfunctional as you are, and likely to be way more dysfunctional, because that gives you someone to point at and say – “At least I’m not that bad!” Another big chunk of the deception comes in the form of distorted egotism; where your mind keeps telling you that the dysfunction is all part of your masterful game plan. Sure, you’re the misunderstood underdog right now, but just wait and see how they all stop laughing on their way to the bank! That’s why I bought Crystal. No, I’m not referring to crystal meth, nor am I suggesting I bought a woman on the black-market. Crystal was a beautiful albino ferret that I purchased at the local pet store. To look at, she was truly exquisite. To live with, well, let’s just say she was quite the challenging little critter. But the chicks loved her, and I loved the chicks, so… (Since I’ve graduated to the status of Gentleman, I no longer refer to females as chicks, babes, eye candy or any of the other diminutive labels my dysfunctional counterparts taught me as being proper terminologies in reference to the Beautiful Gender.) Now can you see how deceptive, dysfunctional thinking is? I bought Crystal for all the wrong reasons, but I justified my purchase because every self-respecting hippy dude needs a chick magnet. What I failed to recognize, was the amount of responsibility required to properly care for this exotic creature, an animal that I knew absolutely nothing about. If I had taken the time to investigate the ins and outs of ferret adoption, I might have made the more functional decision of leaving her in the pet store for some other sucker to buy. Instead, Crystal became one of the many roommates in Tony’s two bedroom apartment. She became more and more demanding, as I became more and more irresponsible. She ran wild inside the apartment, like any common weasel would, if it were given free reign in a man-sized ferret cage. I reckoned she was one of Us, so she had just as much right as we did to move freely about the cabin. In my complete denial, I thought everything was going just fine, until Crystal learned how to open the cabinet door in the kitchen, climb up to the utensil drawer, leverage it open, climb up on the counter top and proceed to pushing off every beer bottle, dish, utensil, appliance, ashtray and anything else we had left on it when we humans had crashed the night before. She always started working earlier than us. That was annoying.

What a world, what a world! As I write these journal entries, I can see very clearly so many reasons to be grateful for every moment I’ve been blessed with to experience this amazing journey. My life has been rich and full in so many ways, it is beyond the limits of my ability to adequately describe it here in this blog. So I will return tomorrow, to practice my abilities, and hopefully to entertain some of you, my loyal traveling companions.

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